A35. I’m Changing Me

I’ve not posted anything on my blog for a long time now. Perhaps I can use my semester exams as an excuse for that. An excuse because I’m of the opinion that one must always find time for what he/she loves. My love for writing didn’t fade away. I just didn’t have the time to write.

I recently read Stephen Chbosky’s The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It’s one of the books that I’ve been wanting to read for a long time and I finally managed to read it during my exams. The book has left me with a few questions about myself.

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I wonder if, like Charlie, I use thoughts to avoid participation. What if life is passing by and I’m sitting here, observing it instead of living it? As interesting as that may sound, it also sounds scary. I enjoy sharing with people the tales of moments I’ve witnessed. But I think that I’d love sharing stories of the moments that I’ve lived.

Also, I remember the time when people felt comfortable to share their feelings with me. I was one person with secrets of numerous people. I would like to call myself a secret keeper of some sort. But that’s changed. The one thing that I’ve realised is that you cannot be an observer and a judge at the same time. An observer does not judge and I think that I’ve started judging people. That has to change immediately! The good listener in me is still alive and he only needs a little space to come out in front of everyone. I guess I’m going to give him that space.

I also like the idea of writing letters to strangers. I’ve always liked writing letters. I guess it’s time to find a pen friend. Maybe instead of sending letters, I can send emails to a stranger.

Another book that I recently read is John Green’s Paper Towns. While reading about all the adventures of Margo, I realised that it’s been a really long time since I did something crazy and adventurous. When I was in school, I would often tell people that I love those moments when my heart beats so heavily against my chest that I feel like I’m going to get a heart attack; moments when I’m scared and excited at the same time! Who does not enjoy an adrenaline rush?

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Such moments when I was scared and excited at the same time would come often to me when I was in school. I also did numerous crazy things in the first year of college. But I think that after that I became boring: I stopped chasing adventure.

I guess that in the process of getting rid of all that was bad in the person who I once was, I’ve also lost the good that was in the person who I once was. Maybe the good in me was in contrast with the bad in me and that the two could not exist without each other. Thus, the good left with the bad. I think that I’ve become wise with time and maybe that’s made me way more cautious than I was a few years ago. I want to be spontaneous.

I’ve decided to make a few major changes to who I am. I’m going to be a good observer but in the process, I’m not going to miss out on participating. I’m going to be wise but in the process, I’m not going to miss out on being spontaneous and crazy.

Fun is a good friend of Bad. I guess I now need to insist Fun to get a good company. I’ve to insist Fun to find a friend in Good.

 

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PS: I’m aware of the grammar mistake in the title of this blog post. But sometimes it’s okay to overlook grammar for a good title.

 

 

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