A44. Who am I Becoming?

For the first time in my life, I’m unable to recognize the person that I’ve become. I feel like someone who’s seeing his reflection in a mirror after months and years! I cannot comprehend what’s happening to me. I’m not upset though. However, I’m scared and excited at the same time. I feel like I’m on a new adventure, walking on a strange road oblivious of where it’s going to lead me.

Lately, I’ve been feeling like nobody is able to understand me. But how can I expect others to understand me when I’m failing to understand myself? I’ve always been good at expressing my feelings but how can I express what I cannot even comprehend? I wonder if I should visit a psychiatrist.

I feel like I’m a cage and inside me is a being who’s trying hard to get out: to be free! I do not know who or how this being is. I can tell that he’s desperate to get out. He’s been mischievous lately. I think that he’s wild, very wild! I would let him free but is the world prepared for him? Will people around him be able to understand him? Above all, am I prepared for him and will I be able to understand him?

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I know that he’s going to get out somehow; he’s eventually going to overpower me. I’m not strong enough to keep him trapped forever and he’s only getting stronger! I also know that once he’s free, he cannot be trapped again. As a matter of fact, even though I’m fighting to keep him trapped, I want him to win this fight. If he gets out, he wouldn’t only be freeing himself, he’ll free me.

Why am I fighting him? I do not know. I think that I want to give him a tough fight. Maybe I want to feel the pleasure that I shall experience when the wild being in me shall be free after a long fight with me.

What if what’s in me is actually a monster? Maybe it’s a monster. But he has to get out of me. He needs to be free. He wants to roar in the open air, he’s willing to fight for his freedom!

However, what I do know is that what’s trying to get out of me is me; monster or not a monster, wild or not actually wild, good or bad, I need to be free.

 

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